Chapter 2: Concision
Chapter Sections:
- Eliminate Meaningless Words
- Replace Awkward Phrases with a Single Word
- Take Out Intensifiers
- Remove Passive Constructions
- Avoid Nominalizations
- Eliminate Metadiscourse
- Avoid Stuffy Business Clichés
Concision
| Instead of this | Write this |
| Employees who are driving to work should be encouraged to take mass transit. | Employees should be encouraged to take mass transit. |
| In the interests of better meeting the needs of our customers, we have implemented an online ordering system. | To meet customer needs, we have implemented an online ordering system. |
| There are a lot of members of our team who would like to move to short standing meetings. | Many members of our team would like to move to short standing meetings. |
Replace Awkward Phrases with a Single Word
| Instead of this | Write this |
| It would be appreciated if you would approve the contract by May 1. | Please approve the contract by May 1. |
| Due to the fact that the CEO has called for more diversity in hiring, we will need to rethink our strategies for recruiting and hiring. | Because the CEO has called for more diversity in hiring, we need to rethink our recruiting and hiring strategies. |
Intensifiers, adverbs that convey an additional degree of emotional context, are often unnecessary to the meaning of the message or can be removed for concision.
| Instead of this | Write this |
| I am really sorry about missing last week’s vital staff meeting. | I apologize for missing last week’s staff meeting. |
| Very detailed-oriented and extremely productive staff have earned amazingly high bonuses this year. | Detail-oriented and productive staff earned high bonuses this year. |
Passive voice is a sentence construction where the object of the action acts as the subject of the sentence. For clarity and concision, use active voice.
| Instead of this | Write this |
| The report was written by Zelda. | Zelda wrote the report. |
| Taxes should be submitted by April 15. | Submit taxes by April 15. |
Exception: When is passive voice appropriate? When you want to avoid assigning blame, and when you can create better flow within a paragraph by reordering a sentence to put the object before the subject.
Nominalizations, or nouns derived from a verb or adjective, force you add another verb to create a complete sentence. Eliminating nominalizations can help with concision.
| Instead of this | Write this |
| The building services committee raised an objection to the plan to eliminate greenspace to allow for more parking. | The building services committee objected to the plan to eliminate greenspace to allow for more parking. |
| Once you have created documentation for the situation, we will make a decision about next steps. | Once you have documented the situation, we will decide next steps. |
Writing about your own writing or thought process, or metadiscourse, can almost always be deleted.
| Instead of this | Write this |
| I would like to point out that it has become clear that we need to analyze this situation more fully in order to understand it. | The situation requires further analysis. |
| I would like to thank you for… | Thank you for… |
| Through our research we were able to find… | We found… |
Old-fashioned business-ese takes away from a conversational tone and can add unnecessary wordiness.
| Instead of this | Write this |
| Per your request,… | As you requested,… |
| Please be advised that the procedure for leave reports has changed. | We have changed the procedure for leave reports. |
| Attached please find… | I have attached…
The attachments include… |
| Thank you for your time and consideration. | Thank you for [something specific that you appreciate] |